Came back from work last night and Callum was still at uni studying. He came home just after 10pm and I’m a little bit annoyed because I’m weird and like people to be in when I come back from work. He comes and lies next to me and buries his face in the pillows. Next thing I know he is crying and snuggling up in my lap, shaking and looking distraught. My heart broke to see him so upset and I know it is because he is stressing so much about his exams. I think I have seen him cry only a handful of times since I have known him. If I didn’t do the same thing sometimes, I don’t think I would have understood. It sounds weird but just sitting hugging him, struck me how wonderful he is and I don’t know what I would do without him anymore. I don’t think I could have loved him more in those moments. And I can’t wait for these exams to be over so I can have my boy back.
Callum. You used to listen and care about everything that I said, but now all you ever do is contradict, argue and patronise me. Nothing I ever do is good enough for you unless you can just put it down and insult me. I ask you for advice and you don’t care because you consider it my own problem and not worthy of your attention. I can’t do this much longer, it is making me sick. I remember what I love about you, but it is getting harder and harder to see the examples in real life. Everything is a joke, including the things I am passionate about and my feelings. When you want to discuss something you are interested I am expected to listen, I don’t even feel obliged. I do it because I WANT to. Maybe it is too much to stay with you here in the flat, but I know there is something wrong with our relationship. I just don’t know when one of us is going to come out and say it
Horrible cold that I keep think is getting better (Only had it for a day or so) But feel so guilty just chilling inside, because I have so much work to do. Need to phone my mum I think. Just want someone to tell me it is okay not to do anything for a day or so. Apparently getting a cold is your bodies way of telling you that you are doing too much, so I should really just accept this. But so guilty not doing anything! Maybe try and do some reading for my classes. Only got a few weeks left of term. Need to knuckle down
E-mailed my history of art department to find out if it is possible to change to a single honours degree in history of art, and drop german next year. This was yesterday. Got a reply back today telling me it is completely possible, with the transfer form attached that just needs signed and handed in. Wow. Bit shocked by this decision
For once I am going to make a positive post. A year today since me and Callum started going out. Been pretty rocky lately because I have been staying with him in the flat, but it is really nice to know that neither of us has given up yet. He is one of the closest people I have in my life and I can barely imagine being without him anymore. Sometimes I find it difficult to tell him things because his opinion is so important to me and I know this really annoys him. But I’m working on it. He got up to make me pancakes while I was still asleep this morning. And I know I give him a hard time because he is so busy with work and uni and can be really tired. But that is just life. Going out for dinner tonight which I am really looking forward to. Mmm mussel in. I am off to get my tattoo in a little bit (butterfly) and it is strangely coincidental that I am getting it today. I hope nobody reads to much into that because it is not the reason. Though Callum did once suggest I should get a butterfly tattoo…
So Callum made a big deal about me moving into his flat with him. And I was pretty sceptical. But then I thought about it for a while and told him maybe we could give it a shot. He turns around and says that he doesn’t think it is a good idea because he won’t be able to look forward to seeing me? No. Just no! Unfair to reply like that. When I was drunk too. And it was someone else’s birthday night. And now I don’t want to bring it up again. But it is awkward. He expects me to stay at his pretty much all the time anyway. Don’t get me wrong. Love being with him. But it is really awkward for me to carry stuff about and always be organised for the next day. Urgh. Well I am not bringing it up. Fuck that
Why can’t every just get to fuck and mind their own business. Too shit to do my driving test so I need to cancel it. Had a meeting about my uni courses and not any the wiser. Mum is a stupid nosy fucking bitch. I need to move out. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. And I am going to Munich tomorrow and everyone and everything is trying to ruin it for me. Not even excited anymore. Can’t even express. Twat
So. Callum has a new flat which is pretty exciting. He has a nice big room and a (rather uncomfy) double bed. It was really nice staying with him last night. And I hope I can stay quite often. But I kinda wish I could be there all the time…
Feel beyond shit. If this is hormones they can get to fuck. Making myself look like a complete freak. Randomly crying at nothing. Not even in pain yet. But that is yet to come. Kill me now. Seriously
Go to school. Go to uni. Meet new people. Get a boyfriend. Get a job. Go to work. Go out. Get drunk. Buy things you don’t need. What is the point. None of it has made me happier. Or given me any purpose. Shit
Right. Why does new year have to be so stressful. Well actually I am probably doing this myself BUT. I want to see my boyfriend but he is in Dunfermline. And apparently it is just going to be guys. Don’t want to be left out. And my friends are going to a wee flat party in Edinburgh. Which would probably be more fun. Though to be honest. It is just another day.
And drunk sex is awesome.
Scales say I weigh 7st 9lb. Doesn’t sound strictly true. But won’t argue with that
Lovely day yesterday. Got to wake up with Callum. Morning sex. Pancakes. Booked a holiday to Munich in February. Then we went for a walk and Callum cooked me steak for dinner. And red wine. Mmm. Oh and he is staying again tonight. Yay
Okkay this is not fucking normal. Yes I am tired because I didn’t get much sleep. And I had really horrible dreams which doesn’t help. But I was still looking forward to seeing Callum. It’s all good. We watched Saw VI which was brutal. Then I start crying about shit out of nowhere. And he had to go. And I just wanted cuddles and to have sex. Like I always do. But I FUCKED IT UP AGAIN. Sick sick sick. Something is NOT right. because half an hour later I am feeling okkay again. Like I don’t want to just curl up and die. Fucks sake